Five Ways To Avoid Houseplant Genocide

Okay, so maybe the use of "murdering" and "houseplants" together in the title for this article will instantly skew your opinion that I'm some kind of crystal-gazing plant whisperer. Sorry about that. What I am writing about is how to keep your leafy friends from turning brown and crinkly with a minimum amount of fuss, so, here goes:
Choose Plants That Are Right For You And Your Home
It's very tempting to buy a gigantic banana plant while cruising to the check-out at Ikea.

---

They're usually ridiculously cheap and mature in appearance - the perfect focal point for your living room, right? Not so fast: those plants were grown by a professional grower with all of the right soil amendments, perfect light and ventilation and precise humidity, all of which is unlikely to exist in your living room. Most home-store plant houseplant offerings are tropical in origin and this is because they don't have to be toler
Big plants need space so that they're not constantly being brushed or crushed as you squeeze by with four bags of groceries on the way to the kitchen, for instance. Little kids and pets can certainly knock the poor plant over, dislodging it from the soil and damaging carefully-grown roots. Most ficus, like "rubber" plants are trees and need lots of light not only to do well, but to thrive. And once they start thriving, better watch out as, again, they're trees, for gosh sake, and they will do their best to puncture your ceiling, which, of course, they can't do, but I think you get the point. Plants that are doing well will keep growing, so, they not only need to fit into your space now, but they need room to branch out, so to speak.
Speaking of light, do you have a sunny window available? No? Then you can just get some of those low-light plants, right? Well, low light outdoors, where these plants come from, is very different from low light inside. What low light means to someone who wants reasonable success in not anihilating a plant is bright-but-indirect sunlight, preferably morning sun. Low-light plants survive in the wild by growing in the shade of larger trees. They tend to be less decidious, that is, without hard bark or stiff leaves and strong sunlight will fry them right quick.
Humidity and the availability of water is also a factor. Summer can be hot and humid outside, but inside, it's typically air-conditioned, with much of the natural moisture in the air removed. Heated air in winter is even dryer. Large plants need a larger volume of water, so carrying a large watering can across precious rugs or hardwood floors is a recipe for trouble and needs to be factored into your plant-buying decision. After all, if it's a hassle to water the darn thing, it'll only wind up at the curb in a couple of months after dying a tortured death at your hands, or rather, the lack of them.
Orchids are a great example of a plant that doesn't belong in most people's homes. They're being marketed in just about every home store and they can be notoriously difficult to keep because they normally live a very picky existence in a rain forest. Rooted in another tree. Where there are exacting and super-moist conditions all year 'round. Unlike your house. To successfully keep an orchid, one must be prepared to mist the plant at least twice daily, or often enough that the plant stays moist more or less all the time. Also, the roots must be watered directly and fed slowly and constantly. Orchids used to be a favored hobby of urban-dwelling bachelor uncles, owing to the fact that they didn't have much else to do. But, if you're committed, they are gorgeous - the plants, that is. If not, you've just bought yourself another curb candidate.
So, instead of telling you what not to buy, why not just say what you should buy? Well, if you're new to houseplants, start not small, not large, but medium. There are many medium-sized tropical varieties that will do very well in average conditions found in the typical home. Starting with a medium size of a particular variety increases the chances of success because it's already established and natural selection has allowed it to survive thus far. Hard-skinned succulents, like the "Jade" plant, are relatively slow-growing and tolerate some over- and under-watering. Shiny-leafed plants are more sturdy and resilient to a range of dry and wet. both in watering and in humidity, like the rubber tree (ficus elastica.) Yes, I know I said rubber trees would wind up being gigantic, but they can be encouraged to be bushy and are often available potted this way, with multiple plants in a ten- or twelve-inch pot. If there is very strong light available, a cactus can be your best friend. They can tolerate a broad range of temperatures in the winter, just like out in the desert, as long as there isn't a cold draft, and if you're lucky enough to have the right light conditions, they will bloom beautifully.
Too Much Of A Good Thing Is Bad
So, maybe you've had houseplants come and go and can't quite figure out why it is that your friend seems to have a green thumb and yours is most decidedly brown. Easy - your friend is using her thumb (or index finger or big toe) to check the plant's moisture level - probably every day or every other day. Unfortunately, it's not a best practice to simply water twice a week, as plants are unable to read clocks or calendars. All plants need water when they're drying out, but waiting until they're absolutely bone-dry, except for cactii, will dry out the fine root-hairs that carry water and nutrients from the soil into the plant and that will be that. Some plants, like poinsettia and many palms, need to be moist always, but not wet. Other plants, like the rubber tree mentioned earlier, need to have the top inch dry before watering. Sticking a finger in the soil will be a better indication of whether a plant needs to be watered than any kind of electronic gadget, and cheaper, too. In short, water on the plant's schedule.
Feed The Need
Unlike pets, plants don't need lots of food to survive. But they do use nutrients from the soil that help with photosynthesis, that is, the use of light by the plant to create food for itself and those nutrients need to be replenished regularly. The easiest way to feed a houseplant is with spike-shaped plant food that gets jammed into the soil and slowly dissolves with each watering. This is easier that mixing plant food in the watering pot and certainly easier than remembering to feed the plant every other watering or once a month or at whatever interval is right for that particular species. Did I add food last week? Hmm . . . On the other hand, powdered or liquid plant food added to the regular watering is a more diffuse and somewhat more direct way of getting food to the plant. The already-dissolved food (unlike the plant spike that has first to dissolve and then hopefully migrate to the root) will be taken up with the water. Don't overdo it - too much food won't simply make the plant Hulk-sized: it will burn the roots and probably kill the plant.
If you want to try the spikes, I would recommend Jobe's, which are available everywhere and are inexpensive. Far less expensive is powdered plant food, like Miracle Gro, will go a very long way and is suitable for most house plants.
Groom For Improvement
Plants are the neatest non-human roommates you will ever have, but they can't clean, or clean up after, themselves. From time to time, leaves will wither and die. Such leaves are unattractive if left on the plant, so trim them off close to the stem with a sharp scissor. Leaves that fall into the pot should be removed right away so that they don't have a chance to rot and encourage mold growth on the soil. Speaking of the soil surface, it's a good idea to set aside a dinner fork to gently rake the top 3-6mm (1/16-1/8") of the soil and to also aerate the soil by poking about 12mm (about a half-inch) into the soil in several places around the plant. This help with drainage, air circulation and keeps the soil from becoming too compacted so that the water and nutrients travel to the plant rather than drain off to the sides of the pot.
It's also a very good idea to give your plants a gentle shower at regular intervals. This keeps dust and grime from accumulating and choking the plant's leaf pores. The entire plant can be put in a sink or shower and gently(!) rinsed with room-temperature water.
The Quick And The Dead
When bringing home a new plant, it's super-important to isolate it from other plants and from curtains and wall fabrics for at least a month before allowing it into the fold. Nursery-grown plants are subject to all kinds of plant diseases, like fungus and pests and it's better to have to treat or destroy a single plant than all of your plants. In decades of growing houseplants, I've had a few plants come in with scale or mealybugs or spider mites and only once was I able to successfully treat the plant, a plant which lives in my living room today. I credit quarantine with staving off disaster for the balance of my buds (get it? plants? buddys? buds? okay - forget it.)
Nevertheless, pests can turn up and it's not impossible to deal with them, but it can be a giant hassle. Spider mites can be treated by quarantining the affected plant, de-potting it, wrapping the roots in tin foil or a plastic bag and then dipping or swishing the entire plant in a tub filled with room-temperature water with mild dishwashing soap, usually several times until the pests are gone, repotting in fresh, sterile soil and then, hoping for the best.
Avoidance is the best practice. Never use a Swiffer or feather duster to clean the leave of your plants - it's far too easy to transfer insects or fungus between plants this way. Check your plants for anything that shouldn't be there each time you water, both on the top of the leaf and on the underside and on the stems, especially where the stem joins the main part of the plants. Take note of mottled leaves or leaves with trails or holes in them. Using a magnifier can be helpful in seeing very small pests.
There are pesticides to use as a last resort, but they can be very hard to apply indoors and they are bad for pets and people. Your best bet will likely be to destroy the affected plant and to keep a weather eye on those that remain.
So, choose the right plant, water it appropriately, don't let it starve, keep it spic n' span and don't let it get bugged and you'll have a lovely set of room-softening, light-filtering natural randomness to enjoy while guests marvel at the green-ness of your hitching digit.

Whip It Good

I just bought this yesterday after my electric Weedeater's spool mechanism wore out after two years of trimming my 1/3 acre. I previously owned a 4 cycle Craftsman that worked pretty well but had been stolen by my ex, which is another story, and I was tired of schlepping an electric cord around the property. My trimming needs are a combination of weedy patches near a long back fence, garden beds, lawn edging and around ground cover.

My local Sears store was my last stop of a busy day. They were very pleasant and even fun to visit with. I looked at my options one more time and decided that at $70, this trimmer would probably do the job and fit my sense of "cheap enough. There was no way that I'd wait until morning to set it up and try it out. Set-up was nothing, really, except affixing the string guard. I mixed the supplied 3.2 ounce bottle of 2 cycle oil with a gallon of gas (in an approved container), reviewed the Quick Start instructions, followed the steps and it started right up.

This trimmer has PLENTY of power to edge, trim around and under bushes and drive weeds to extinction. I did the entire property on idle except for those moments I felt the need to rev the thing, just to see what it could do. It's easy to handle and surprisingly light with the "D" handle at just the right balance point. The plastic cover on the engine is properly placed so that in normal use, I never once touched the hot engine with my arm, which did happen with my prior 4 cycle model. The supplied starter-amount of dual-spool trim line fed on demand and lasted for my entire trim session. The vibration was about the same as any other trimmer I've ever used. In general, this trimmer felt solid yet quite light and - get this - was less of a strain than my now-dead electric trimmer.

In short, this trimmer is Craftsman quality, works great and is less filling. I highly recommend it.

NOTE: Be sure to wear hearing protection, wrap-around eye protection (not just eyeglasses, if you're a wearer), proper shoes and work clothes when using this or any power tool.

Groupon - This Way To The Egress

I have to admit that when Groupon first launched, I was fascinated by the seemingly deep discounts available through their sales and promotion service. Unfortunately for me, spa days and deep tissue massage in Dumont and Montclair and sushi for five in Hoboken don't really speak to my needs. So, after receiving Groupon's clever e-mail offers daily for something like a year, I was hooked by a concert deal for a measly fifteen bucks a ticket. Offered was a classical orchestral program not with the local YMCA concert band, but with the St. Petersburg Orchestra, promising a program of romantic-period music I really like, including Chopin. Good. Good and cheeeep. Like I like it. So, I bought the deal.

For those of you who have been living under an internet rock, here's how Groupon works: they arrange a "deal" with a local merchant and then offer it to their gigantic database of subscribers. Typically, the discounts are ridiculous, like $499 for a Sealy Memory-Foam mattress that would normally sell for $1200 or $100 for $500 in laser hair removal. Useful if you like bare, stubble-free legs on a comfy bed, otherwise, not so much so. But that's the idea - high-ticket items that are normally not discounted at all, discounted. Sounds good, if you have the disposable income to enjoy such deals. The reality, though, is not so nice.

First of all, Groupon deals are carefully worded and often vague, if one really wants to drill down to the terms. As a purely hypothetical example based on my observation of deals I've seen, let's say Groupon offers a deal that touts $2000 worth of dental veneers for $500 at a particular dentist. That is a gigantic break but, to be sure, there's no such thing as a free lunch, and this becomes clear when considering the restrictive terms of the deal. Hold on, now, if you're thinking I'm going to be critical of Groupon or the vendor because they have carefully defined how, when and where you can use your newly-purchased Groupon deal. One can't get something for nothing and it should be accepted that there are "catches" with which to contend. I'm good with that, but I think many look at the deal and feel cheated when the terms modify the deal enough so that it seems like a major compromise. People are funny like that. "It said a trip around the world for 10 percent of the MSRP, but I have to do it next week or not at all - what a rip-off."

I'm also not an apologist for Groupon. I think the terms should come way before the clever and cutesy marketing copy and that those terms should be crystal clear, but they wouldn't sell many Groupons that way, because, as I said before, people are funny like that. We want to be sold, seduced, into making a reasonable decision regarding the parting of ways with our moolah. And Groupon's job is to sell deals. They're not our buddies and it's not an exclusive club. It's free to "subscribe" to their mailing list, which is filtered by general proximity of the subscriber to the given deal, hence leaving out great bargains in LA for those feisty New Yorkers who simply must know all the bargains.

In my example, the pitch is for two tickets to a classical concert for a whopping 75% discount. Would I schlep to Newark to see a second-string orchestra for $80 a ticket? Probably not. But for $65 off, I'm in, especially since the deal promises Orchestra seating. Or Loge, which is behind that. Or Balcony, which is up and behind. On a will-call, unreserved basis, which means my tickets will be all the way to the right, at the last row of the front balcony. How much are tickets in that position usually? Yup: $20. Sigh. So, I not only don't have reserved seats, but I don't get the parking voucher I would normally get, I have to get to the theatre at least an HOUR before the performance and the seats are going to be decidedly non-premium. Sigh, again. Too late: the deal's been paid for and I can use it OR schlep to the theatre to get a refund, as long as I arrived, you guessed it, an hour before the show and, of course, pay for parking . . .

And that's the way all "bargains" are: not what we would want, which is something for nothing, and probably not all that great compared to a full-price deal. Oh, well, that's not Groupon's problem. They do lay out the details though they aren't using a yellow highlighter to say, "Hey, look, over here, here's some rules you probably won't like." It's my job and yours to be an informed consumer, like it or not.

Scooped By Skype and Rebtel

I don't do a whole lot of overseas calling, but I do know plenty of people that rely on Skype to stay in touch with their families in Germany, Spain, Switzerland, Austria, Poland and the UK. Without Skype, these folks would be utterly isolated because the cost of overseas calling is nearly usurious. Many Skype services are free and their basic international subscriptions start at under nine bucks a month.

So, what's the big deal? I use VOIP (Voice Over Internet Protocol) via Magic Jack and have done for some time. It's reliable and dirt cheap, considering the only reason I have a line "tethered" to my house is . . . you know, I don't really know why. Perhaps it's because cell service could go down and, in case of emergency, like a frickin' heart attack, I would like to imagine that I could get me dog to knock the phone off the desk so that I could call for the EMTs and not get, "Sorry, all circuits are busy now. Please try your call again from the afterlife." I used to have, like most folks, a real, hard-copper line but I wound up never using it except as a backup. My cellphone has been my sole mode of contact by voice and now, text and e-mail, for at least five years.

So, there are a whole host of service available to not replace, but to augment cell-phone service. After all, cell service is a personal point of contact rather than a connection to an organization, like a home. Yes, a home is an organization - if it isn't for you, I would suggest it's time to take a fresh look at what's going on at your house. Anywho, if you want to have a home identity and you need to make calls overseas, there are a whole host of choices, like Vonage, who I personally dislike and services like the aformentioned Skype and Rebtel, which offers a range of domestic and international calling that's web-based but tailored to a variety of interfaces so that it's easy to use and pretty darn cheap.

Vonage is currently running a promotion targeted at international callers that slashes their international one-pay rate from $14.99 to $9.99 a month for three months. But why do that when you can get Magic Jack for twenty bucks a year and get Rebtel's offer for international calls at under $8 a month for the foreseeable future? I think Vonage has missed the mark yet again, chasing down customers by implying reliability by spending tons on advertising. Same internet, same technology, so, why pay too much? I don't get it. It seems more than a little condescending. Oh, well: as usual, caveat emptor - let the buyer beware!

Olive Garden Doesn't Suck

Generally speaking, I wouldn't dare consider myself an elitist gourmand, but I do know good food when I eat it. Still, my restaurant choices leave some scratching their heads in rancor. In fact, I've been roundly criticised by European friends, who are naturally at the pinnacle of good taste, being that they're Eurotrash and all, for my stalwart defence of  some chain eateries. Yes, they know the hippest places to get a drunk on (Ludlow Street) and the best places to eat. Like Nine in Hoboken. And Outback.

Outback? Wha? These Euro-dudes and dudettes absolutely SWEAR by Outback. (Ja! Der Bloomin' Onion ist der schitt!) Oh, I'm sorry. Are you an Outback fan? Friended them on Facebook, have you? If so, I'm sorry. Outback, in the humblest possible mode of my typically know-it-all opinion, is pedestrian at best and barely edible at worst. I believe that these foreign folks love Outback because it epitomizes an American's middle-class view of what a "good" restaurant should offer - 'choice' this and 'prime' that with lots of fat and portions bigger than your face. Dipped in oil. Lathered with butter. Accompanied by limp vegetables that are there, let's face it, only for decoration. Gross, and pretty typical for an American chain joint. G'day, my butt. Er.

In the face of these misguided jibes, I counter with Olive Garden, to peals of laughter and derision. In turn, I wave them off because (bullet list follows:)

• Fresh food, properly cooked, quality ingredients
• Rotating menu, innovative and varied dishes
• Northern Italian-style cuisine - a refreshing change from typical parmesan-ed-to-death dishes
• Reasonable pricing
• Substantial portions
• Fresh salad, excellent soups, either of which is included with entrees
• Pleasant, almost-classic wait service that isn't condescending or coated with buddy-artifice

In fact, I snubbed a local high-brow joint (with entrees starting at the thirty-buck mark and freakin' brushetta at $12 per) for a repeat visit to the Olive Garden closest to me. Seemed like a great idea at the time.

Perhaps Saturday nights are not the time to visit the OG. There was a massively long wait, no room whatsoever at the bar, a long wait for drink service and starters at the table, no (super-tasty) bread sticks until the ever-forgetful waiter came by to offer "more" bread sticks, which made everyone at the table laugh, over-cooked and over-wrought everything, (even the breadsticks that finally arrived an hour into the meal, no re-up offers on the drinks, which cost the waiter 10% of what would have been a fifty-buck bar bill and, get this, no water. What the heck?

Have I had the good fortune of hitting Olive Gardens in six states on just the right day and time, at the exact moment when the moons of dining service and quality aligned? I hope not, because that would be even more disappointing than dinner last night. And that would also make my Euro-buds right on the money and we can't have that, can we?